You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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