he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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