I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
