Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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