somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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