if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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