Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
