If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
