New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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