Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
