went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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