Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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