he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
