I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
And then he peed in my hair
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