OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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