Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
