When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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