I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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