dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
