2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
