You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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