I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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