Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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