My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
