I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
