david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
