I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
