you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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