i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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