"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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