Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
