just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
