Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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