So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
