I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
