I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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