happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
