My Higher Power is John Stamos
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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