so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
