My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
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