For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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