the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
