So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
