I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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