I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
