i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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