Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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