So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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