I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize