Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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