Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
