So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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