i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
