Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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