dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
