Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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