I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm passing your future prison.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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