your thong is hanging out like whoa
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
