Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
