you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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