If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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