apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
