Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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