Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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